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February 26th, 2005.
Driving the busy street about my daily business on a pleasant warm winter day, I have the priveledge
of non-chemically induced observation of the dilemma of the average American. I too once suffered the idea that my happiness
was donned by the happy hour and holiday celebrations at the dim-lit, gloomy, local watering holes. Wearing as many
hats as we do masks we often associate celebration of life with a draft beer containing food coloring a green hat, or tinfoil
derbies and obnoxious noisemakers. But no matter the day the joy is short lived. The day after is filled with shame,
regret, and all too often confusion of recollecting the prior nights events. Most noteably the phone call to work for a sick
day because the poison has yet to leave the system, and a day of recouping is necessary to gain a solid footing with which
to walk again. I still may wear my masks and hats, but they are usually ones of moods I CHOOSE to be in, and not ones depicted
by the content, percent of, or label on the bottle or bag. One day at time I put away the masks, and hang up the hats.
Thank God it's a process, and not an event.
James L.
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March 20th, 2005.
There are sometimes days when I am confronted with the realization that I could be in the shoes of the
person I am pitying. Attending daily meetings of twelve step programs, I have floated around in a pink cloud, zealously
overjoyed and sometimes misunderstanding of other people and their pain. Most of the time not even knowing how it is
possible that somebody could not be so joyful of having a "New Way of Life". From past experiences, whenever I have been confronted
with similar pain, or Life on it's own terms, I usually have turned, gunned, and ran from it. Most of the time it led
me back to using drugs. This time around things seem to be different. At the time of this entry, I have chosen
to humble myself and stick with the program. The past month has came with some very painful experiences that I have
never dealt with not having the comfort of a bottle or bag of dope to run to. I now no longer pity the people that are
going through pain and still staying clean. I admire thier courage, and I admire thier perseverance. Today I am choosing
to be one of those people who don't let the door fall on them when "life" kicks it in.
James L.
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July 12th, 2005
I can honestly say that I am grateful today. It's come to my attention that not only does unmanagability,
stress, and things plain not going my way throw me off my square. But, also the slightest jarring of one's comfort zone
being shifted. There have been thousands of days where I've awaken and felt slightly off center, but none too many that
I can recount. Recently I've awaken feeling totally insane. Shakey, nervous, anxious, and generally discontent
with my situation. Having had a day pass with time to reflect and observe what may be going on, my conclusion is quite
simple. There have been a few oppurtunities for new work, and a large sum of money coming my way. This is not
where I've been resting the past year and it has somewhat overwhelmed me. I'm having a hard time adjusting to making
choices to better my life and deal with that dreaded "Change" recovering people love so much. Im grateful today I even
have that choice, and I am grateful today that I feel "OFF"!
James L.
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